Taking on Imposter Syndrome | Kettlebell Fat Blast

Welcome to the platform podcast. I'm your host Jordan Kunde-Wright, founder and head coach of the Twin Cities Kettlebell Club And I'm on a mission to help others build sustainable healthy habits I know how hard that can be because I've struggled and succeeded to varying degrees throughout my life But I've lost over a hundred pounds and kept it off for over a decade now The key for me was discovering my passion for lifting weights in kettlebell sport on this podcast We'll talk to athletes, coaches, experts and everyday people about kettlebells fitness programming, nutrition, mindset, making an impact, and Generally striving to grow and leave a legacy of positive change. Please join me. All right, welcome into this week's episode of the platform podcast My guest today is no one. I am going to actually be doing a little episode myself Talking about a topic that is really important to me, which I'm going to dig into. It's taking on imposter syndrome There are a lot of reasons why I care about this topic which we're going to get into in this episode But first I want to make an announcement that I am incredibly excited about October 9th here in the Twin Cities at the athlete lab in little Canada, Minnesota We're going to be hosting the first ever Twin Cities kettlebell invitational My plan is to have this be an in-person meet and there may also be options to do it remotely with video submissions of sets if you're unable to travel or on willing to travel or don't feel safe yet. I Still have to iron out all the details iron out some little logistics But this is officially part of the IKO World Cup for kettlebell sport I am really really excited and honored to be a part of that organization. So thank you to Dennis Vasiliv for Including me in the calendar. I'm very excited about it This is a for my first time hosting an event. I've obviously attended a lot of kettlebell competitions But this will be my first time organizing one and putting it on myself So I am really really excited about it. I hope many of you can come There are so many people that I have met through recording this podcast that I didn't know prior And I haven't yet had the opportunity to meet you in person. I am Incredibly excited for that opportunity. I hope that you can make it out. It's going to be a great event It's going to be so much fun. I know with all of us having been pent up in quarantine or social distancing We're all feeling the need for community and feeling the need to Get in front of people and give people hugs and cheer people on feel the energy in the room. I Can't wait. I am so excited. I hope you'll join me As soon as I have more details. I will let you know. I'll get a registration link up soon We'll figure out sponsors and in all of those things if you're interested in being a sponsor Please reach out to me twin cities kettlebell club at gmail.com Yeah, so I'm incredibly excited about that opportunity So thank you again to Dennis and the IKO for accepting my application I cannot wait to see as many of you in person as possible in Happy and safe lifting All right, so without further ado, I'm going to get into this topic and I have to be honest I don't usually get nervous recording this podcast maybe the first couple I did But at this point I don't really get nervous anymore for recording these podcasts, especially when I'm interviewing people I just I just get excited because I love talking to other people. I'm pretty fucking nervous about this topic I'm nervous to put myself out there this much honestly is why I'm I'm nervous about getting into the topic of imposter syndrome Because it's going to require a pretty high level of vulnerability on my part But I feel it's really really important and it's something that I'm trying to work on This year especially and it's part of my goals To really take my coaching to the next level and in order to do that you have to be willing to take Action steps that are uncomfortable you have to get outside of your comfort zone and talk about things that are not necessarily Comfortable for you and do things that are not necessarily comfortable for you. So for me personally this one is going to be a A little bit challenging. I'm going to get into a little bit more about my own personal psychology and some of my background but I Feel that it's important to do that. So I hope that you'll give me some grace and I and I trust that I'm not the only one going through this which is which is why I'm okay talking about this And sharing some of these things and if you have questions, you know, feel free to hit me up on social media or hit me up on email And I'll I'll give you as much detail as you want. I'm pretty transparent about my life and about my background But this is this is going to a level deeper in talking about some you know some some other things That I've gone through in my life. So But first let's just start with a working definition What is imposter syndrome? It's a term that you hear thrown around a lot Depending on, you know, the circles that you run in people kind of have a different interpretation of it But but really what imposter syndrome is Is this the feeling that you're not as competent as people perceive you to be or that you don't belong? That it's only a matter of time until you're found out or that you're exposed You feel like a fraud and it's it's incredibly incredibly challenging to deal with that feeling It's particularly it happens a lot of times for almost everybody when they transition to something new or scary Which is probably part of the reason I've dealt with it a lot in my life I moved a ton when I was a kid I think I moved about a dozen times growing up. So I was always the new kid And you always kind of feel like you don't belong when you're the new kid So I think that probably has some of some of the reason why I've dealt with this a lot in my life But it's also something that a lot of really successful people have have dealt with My Angelou talks about how talked about how she's published 11 books and every time she put one out she thought This is gonna be the time they find me out. I've been running a game and fooling all these people all this time And this this is the one where they're gonna figure out that I don't know what I'm doing So even even people that are incredibly successful and have you know a track record of success in their field Deal with this this phenomenon of imposter syndrome of never feeling like you really truly belong in that It's only a matter of time before you're found out You know from a from a psychological standpoint. It's linked pretty strongly to the traits of perfectionism anxiety high performance high self monitoring As well as like so there are a lot of social aspects to it as well if you had incredibly demanding parents Or you had very high expectations of your performance even it doesn't have to necessarily be from parents It can be from coaches. It can be from mentors So if you throughout your life had had incredibly high expectations placed upon you that you felt You may not be able to live up to it can it can become a part of your identity So it's it's really linked to a lot of a lot of things and the The analogy that I like to use for for my own imposter syndrome is it's it's the internet troll in my head If you've ever been on a message board or on Instagram or you know reddit or whatever and you've experienced somebody that is Going to point out only negative things and it is that only there to invalidate how you're feeling or to try and argue with The point that you're trying to make or just to get a rise out of you You know those internet trolls. That's that's what I feel like imposter syndrome is for me It's the internet troll in my head and It's giving me all of the potential attacks that may come my way and that's really what imposter syndrome's function is You know from a psychological standpoint. It's it's actually a really kind of Ingenious way that your brain tries to keep you from taking risks because our our our brains primary function is to keep us safe and alive So one of the things that it does to to keep you safe is to try and convince you to not take risks But now in modern society there are very few risks that would actually kill us So our brain has still adapted this mechanism that maybe helped keep us from taking unnecessary risks or dangerous risks when we were cavemen But now it keeps us from taking risks like taking that new job that you that you really want to go after or changing careers or Doing that doing that 5k that you that you want to do signing up for your first kettlebell competition posting Post on social media in a bathing suit Right, it's it can be as simple as as those little things or even just posting a picture on social media period because You're afraid that There's somebody is going to look at that picture and notice oh god. I have love handles or I have a double chin or I don't like the way my hair looks or whatever. I mean It's all of these things that our brain Synthesizes to tell us and it does it in anticipation of any negative response we might get as a protective mechanism to keep us from taking risks The problem with that is there's a trade-off for that psychological safety the trade-off for that psychological safety is we stay in our comfort zones And in our comfort zones we don't grow We don't develop you don't become better by listening to your imposter syndrome Right, it doesn't it doesn't help you achieve any of the things that you truly want in your life It just is designed to keep you feeling inadequate and to keep you from taking on risks and Sometimes those risks are things that you probably should do and if you take on that imposter syndrome and Look at in the eye and do the thing anyways Oftentimes my experience has been that you find that the imposter syndrome wasn't valid and You feel better Having done the thing that you wanted to do you some of the most fulfilling things in your life Can come when you're willing to take on a risk take on a new role those are the exciting things in life those those big changes those big scary changes are often times the things that are are most Most fulfilling and rewarding you know, so it's it's an incredibly important thing to do You know for me personally imposter syndrome has been Kind of a constant presence in my life For as long as I can remember and I think that goes back to you know being a fat kid and I've talked about that before I was a I was a short chubby kid I got made fun of a lot in school Especially especially like in middle school again being the new kid at a new school You tend to get you tend to get teased for anything So it's especially easy when you're like four feet tall and three feet wide to to be made fun of You know, so I got I got a lot of that Growing up especially about my body and about my size I got it from my from my brothers, too. I mean, you know siblings can be cruel sometimes, you know We tend to pick on each other. So, you know, I've great relationships with my brothers now But you know that in combination with getting made fun of in school You know led to feelings of shame and inadequacy That led me to develop, you know, disordered eating behavior when I was in middle school You know, which also kind of ingrained itself into like this binge shame Pattern which is obviously not a good way to deal with feelings of shame and inadequacy You know, binging and purging doesn't help you you feel out of control and feel deep shame for Binging and then you purge to get rid of that feeling of shame and inadequacy and then the cycle repeats itself, you know I had to do I had to do some work on on that Feeling in order to not do those Self-destructive behaviors, you know, that's a that's a that's a tricky thing to that's a tricky thing to do And it's still something that I I deal with, you know regularly even now not with food so much as as other areas of my life that the shame The shame response is very very strong. That's a really hard thing to overcome It's something that I've had therapy for and that I that I'm working through and that I continue to work on But one of the easiest ways that I found you know and and a much less maladaptive coping mechanism for me was achievement And I really went after Achieving things to make to make me feel worthy and to make me feel adequate You know, so you know, I got made fun of for being big and being fat So I kind of leaned into that come high school I decided that I was if I was gonna be made fun of for being big I was gonna be big and I was gonna be big and strong not just big and fat I leaned into being big and I got myself in the weight room and that's really where I started to fall in love with Lifting weights and strength training was was an early high school Because I decided that if I was going to be a the big guy I was going to be the big strong guy But what I never really what I never really admitted to myself or anyone else is I didn't want to be I Didn't want to be the big guy I'll probably always be a bigger guy just because of my frame But I didn't want to be big and fat. I I didn't want to be an offensive lineman my my coaches pushed me to be an offensive lineman You know, I probably could have gone a different direction. I had played running back when I was in junior tackle You know, I was a decent athlete I probably could have I probably could have pushed back and gone a different direction if I would have decided rather than getting Big and strong that I was just going to get strong and that I was really going to stay lean and get really lean and try and get faster and stay smaller I probably could have done that or I still could have played offensive lineman but been leaner But instead I just leaned into the idea of I'm going to be big So I put on you know 60 70 pounds between my sophomore year and my junior year and really really became a very a very big big guy I ended up going to college as an offensive lineman You know playing playing college football as an offensive lineman and then college I got even I got even bigger So you know, I kind of I leaned into that identity of being the big guy even though it wasn't who I wanted to be But it made me feel not like a fraud because it was You know, that's how everybody saw me anyways. They were telling me I'm the big guy I'm you know, I'm the big strong guy So I leaned into that and I made myself I made myself bigger and stronger because that's what made me feel More congruent with how people perceive me it made me feel less like a fraud But it still didn't take away the feeling of of an adequacy inadequacy and shame a lot of times You know because I still felt fat. I still felt shame taking my shirt off I still got made fun of taking my shirt off Even in high school when I was when I was breaking the school's weightlifting records You know, I still would get made fun of if I took off my shirt You know in in strengthen conditioning drills You know, so I never I never didn't have that that presence in my head I never didn't have that that you know internet troll This is back just when the internet was just becoming a thing But I never didn't have that inner voice critic in my head telling me that that I was the fat kid telling me that I was You know that I was too too big too fat, you know, so even with that I Never got away from that. So you know, I had to figure out Other identities to to really lean into that that made me feel less like a fraud So achievement became such a big thing for me That's where the kind of the obsession with being the strongest guy in my high school came from You know, and then in college even I leaned into being the life of the party. I have a big personality That's probably not a surprise to anybody that knows me But I leaned into that I leaned into being to being over the top to being To being the loud boisterous fun guy the guy that busted out the beer bong the guy that you know would drink an entire bottle of whiskey before we went to the bar You know everything was everything was over the top everything was too much I leaned into that identity because it it masked feeling Like a fraud that felt less fraudulent Because that's how people already saw me they saw me as the life of the party They saw me as the fun guy. So I leaned into that identity You know, so we we build these narratives and we build these identities That that can help us feel like not a fraud Because because it helps us it helps us diminish that imposter syndrome a little bit But you know all the the ways that I'm talking about I did it in really mal-adaptive ways I didn't ways that really did damage to me Physically as well as mentally and at some point those things those things come home to roost you know and being the life of the party Means that you're drinking a lot and when you're drinking a lot you're getting gain weight So, you know, I gained a lot of weight especially once I stopped playing football You know and this that's kind of where my my journey to being a really fat guy came came in was You know after after college, you know, I got really really big because I was still the life of the party And I was still drinking and smoking and parting You know doing all of those things that that were in line with that Narrative I had I had built in my head and and then when I decided I was going to get healthy Because I wanted to lose a bunch of weight For my wedding and I was I was able to do that pretty successfully But it still didn't it still didn't go away And then of course to make to make it even even more fun I got laid off from my job and decided I was going to transition into a new career Well, I was I was really passionate about health and fitness and I was really passionate about what I was doing with my life And I decided I was going to go become a personal trainer at lifetime fitness and You want to talk about some imposter syndrome walking into a gym and being a personal trainer when You know not even a year ago you were 370 pounds, you know round round about That was pretty hard. I mean the first when I first started being a personal trainer I was probably still pretty close to 300 pounds when I went in for my interview um You know, and I proceeded to I proceeded to lose weight while I was being a personal trainer at lifetime fitness But man did I battle that imposter syndrome every day I found it really really hard To feel like I belonged as a personal trainer and as a and as a coach I found that really really hard because how was I going to tell people how they could improve their health When you know, I had been so unhealthy Even though I at that point I had already lost 70 pounds I had lost a lot of weight I had lost more weight than a lot of people Whatever whatever lose in their life But I still didn't feel like I knew enough or that I that I had a valid perspective to give to people and that they were going to see right through me Right nobody was going to hire a fat personal trainer like oh you're still a fat kid you're a fat guy you're a fat personal trainer Like nobody's gonna nobody's gonna hire you Which which wasn't true? It really wasn't true because It didn't stop me from from getting clients and part of the reason it didn't stop me from getting clients is I had Excellent support around me and people telling me That I had a valid perspective and that you know because I I looked like a normal you know quote-unquote normal person or I looked like a real person That there would be people who wouldn't be intimidated by me And when they got to know me and understood my story and got to hear my knowledge that they would they would definitely want to hire me Because they could identify with me because they could relate to me and because I could relate to them and understand their struggles And bring perspective As someone who has struggled and gone through a lot of these things But at the time it was it was very much a battle for me To not feel like a fraud and even today To this day, I still struggle with that as a as a fitness coach as a as a kettlebell coach as a nutrition coach It's part of the reason I have like Shit, I don't even know 12 certifications something like that That is part of the reason because especially early on in my career. I felt like the only way I could I could justify My existence in the space was to credentialize myself and to really know more than most people and to be able to be a top level academic you know in in the space and to really wow people with my knowledge which isn't a bad thing Obviously, it's good to pursue knowledge. It's good to know things. It's good to have certifications Especially if you're going to give people guidance But it didn't change the fact that that was a lot of times pursuing those things as a way to credentialize myself and try and achieve my way out of my imposter syndrome Which is again not maladaptive, but I wasn't dealing with the root cause which was that I didn't feel like I was enough I didn't feel like I belonged but the the good thing is is that I didn't let it stop me from taking action and that's really I think the the one of the key one of the key steps to taking on imposter syndrome right if you've dealt with this or you're dealing with this You can overcome it It's it's not something that has to be paralyzing it doesn't have to stop you from pursuing your goals It doesn't have to stop you from putting yourself out there It's it's really important That you don't let it do that because otherwise then the internet troll in your head wins the battle And you don't get the life that you want and it holds you back from achieving the things that you that you want and you that you know You know bring you validation and bring you the rich life experience that you that you really want so You know a few tips that I have Uh from my experience in battling this and I'm trying to live them right now I'm I'm dealing with it. I'm dealing with them now as I move forward in 2021 I'm continuing to take this on as it's really my it's really my number one priority for 2021 is mastery of self I'm really trying to master my own mind to really focus on dealing with root cause issues of some of the things that have that I've struggled with That's part of the reason I decided to do the dry January um, I decided that my relationship with alcohol was probably Still a problem for me and I especially as I went through the pandemic I was finding more and more that it was kind of a slippery slope that was hard for me to deal with Especially when I was stressed out So I need to deal with that and I'm working on that and thus far You know, you know knock on wood everything's gone really well. I've had a successful dry January so far Um, I haven't had any alcohol this month Um, you know, and we're recording this on Tuesday, January 18th Um, so so far so good. I'm really I'm really happy and proud of that and I'm continuing to do that work, right? So I think it's important that you take action You can't think yourself out of imposter syndrome That I think that's probably the most important thing Um, do something about how you're feeling You're only going to you're only going to feel less and less that way by taking action that your brain is trying to prevent you from taking It's probably doing that because it's something that you really want and it's something that's scary Um, so do it you don't have to go all in and go crazy with it. I'm not saying go quit your job and You know, open up a head shop if that's what you you know because that's what you've always felt like doing I'm take baby steps, right start start small Um, but do something taking action is really I think the only way you can you can overcome imposter syndrome That's part of the reason I'm recording this this podcast episode um, because I'm taking action Uh, by by confronting some of the things that I that I've been feeling some of the things that I that I continue to to battle with, right? Um, and I think that's another another important thing to do is share your feelings um Don't internalize them even even if it's just capturing them in a journal But I really think sharing them with someone your your partner your friend Uh, your therapist right sharing your feelings and letting people know that like I feel like a fraud sometimes or I you know I'm feeling like a fraud because of this right I feel like I don't belong here Whatever it is that you're feeling getting those outside of yourself and getting those Externalizing it making it real bringing it into the world admitting it Uh, I think is a huge step in the right direction, you know Um, and you'll get feedback on them You know, and that's that's important too Even though I know sometimes getting that feedback and achievement and validate external validation can actually Feel even more reinforcing of the imposter thing But you can also look at it as as objective data, right? It's it's not inside your own head If you tell somebody that you feel like a fraud at a particular thing and then tell those are you like What are you talking about? You're excellent. Like you're really good at what you do The their perspective is probably more valid than your own because I feel like we're always our own worst critics um, so Take that feedback as external as external feedback. You don't have to take it as as the gospel, right? But you can take that as a piece of feedback that oh, well maybe maybe my feelings on this aren't as valid as I thought So like assess How you're feeling and and and use the feedback that you get as as data points to assess how you're feeling Um, I would also say and this this probably isn't going to be a super popular point, but Sometimes we feel like an imposter Because we have gaps that we need to address So sometimes the feeling can be valid you know if you If you are in a position where you're you suddenly got a promotion and it requires that you Have skills that you don't have currently You can very much feel like a fraud and it's only a matter of time before you get discovered Well, there's Kind of two choices then if that's the case right you you can assess that the gaps are real and do nothing about it and try and hide it and hope that And hope that you don't ever get discovered or that those skills don't cost you your your new gig or you can get to work on addressing those gaps Right you can decide That Okay, that that is valid and I'm going to do something about it Um, that's what I'm kind of at with my own personal journey as far as um, you know losing weight losing body fat looking the part and being a better example of having the right body composition for somebody who's Um, coaching other people on how they can transform their body composition Even though I've delivered excellent results for a lot of clients. I've helped a lot of people I know that my methodology works I know that I know that The approach that I take works for people that that follow it um But I haven't followed my own my own advice uh to the same level that some of my clients have some of my clients Have gotten better results than I have because you know, it's hard to coach yourself for one but um I know that I need to take my medicine a little bit and and do some of the things that I'm coaching other people to do And so that's that's part of that's part of this process for me as well I'm putting myself out there that I'm committing myself to Improving my own body composition and and leading from the front and living concurrently with The values that I'm that I'm espousing and and what I'm telling everybody that they can do I want to be an example of that. So um, I've I've assessed a gap that I feel like Isn't necessarily imposter syndrome. It's it maybe there there is some validity to it I want to look I want to look healthier. I want to look the part better. So um, I'm gonna do that Um, I think it's also important that you're That you're mindful that you're about your feelings and That you it's okay to just sit with the feeling Observe it identify that you're feeling Like a fraud or that you're feeling you know, uncertain and then you can You can look at it from a third-party perspective or try and get outside of yourself and say is that a valid feeling Am I really not a good Whatever parent You know, if you feel you can have days where you feel like you're a terrible parent or you're a terrible spouse or a terrible employee Uh, you know, identify that feeling and Observe it and then try and step outside of yourself and objectively assess Is that a valid assessment or is that just a feeling that I have right now in this moment? Am I actually not a good parent? Most likely the answer is no, that's not a valid feeling. It's probably a cognitive distortion. It's probably your brain Uh Amplifying negative feelings You know, but if you step out of it and you and you feel like That there is some validity to that that can hurt But that can also be super super informative if you feel like you're you're not showing up as a parent the way that you need to What do you can do to change it? Right so assess whether or not how your feeling is valid and if it's not and it's a cognitive distortion Recognize that and then move past it But if you recognize there is some validity behind it You can you can identify action steps that you want to take to Improve How you're doing and move past that imposter syndrome or move past that negative feeling so Oh Well Anyways, I've been rambling now for you know over 30 minutes I don't have another person here to bounce ideas off of or or talk to about this this phenomenon. This was really me Externally processing some things that I'm going through and hoping that I could distill this into Something that might be helpful and useful for other people So if you're going through these types of feelings yourself or you've dealt with imposter syndrome Or if if you have tips for me on how I can on how I can deal with it better Or you've dealt with it or you have expertise in it. Please share them I am always open to learning and I'm always open to other people's perspectives, but I really hope that this was helpful for you You know, just make sure that you're Not letting the internet troll in your head win Don't listen to internet trolls in your head. Don't listen to internet trolls on the internet either for that matter Don't let the trolls win Let's let's be positive Um and and really Be kind to ourselves challenge ourselves push yourself and and Really go after the life that you want assess what that looks like for you and don't let A narrative that's built up in your head about who or what you are or what you think you are Stop you from becoming who you want to be because We can all become Better versions of ourselves, but it requires getting outside of our comfort zone. It requires Assessing where we're at objectively sometimes painfully going through those uncomfortable moments This was uncomfortable for me. I hope it wasn't too uncomfortable for you But this was uncomfortable for me, but I feel better on the backside for having done it for for having recorded this and You know, I'm gonna I'm gonna put this out there Tomorrow morning, you know, so And I feel I feel better for having done it It's probably not my best episode. I'm sure y'all can't wait for me to get back to interviewing other people And I'm definitely I'm going to do that But I'm also gonna try and do a little bit more of of these types of podcasts as well where I'm talking about topics And they're not always going to be about me or things that I'm struggling with but as I am going through the journey I am going to do some more educational content about Changing body composition and changing habits and The things that are working well for me are things that I'm struggling with You know, et cetera as well as doing you know, continuing to do interviews with experts in their field and with real people That are going through the same things that are trying to trying to improve their lives trying to improve themselves Really trying to live the live the twin cities kettlebell club motto Vox-Eller Duh Grow or die, right? So we're either improving or we're degrading so Nothing is ever static. So let's really focus on on growing Thank you very much. I hope this was helpful for you and please Give me feedback. Let me know what you thought of the episode. Give me any tips that you have if you want to join me in this journey Reach out to me. I'm happy to help in any way that I can. I'm happy to serve Thank you so much for listening and I will talk to you guys soon Thanks for listening to this episode of the platform podcast I'm Jordan Kunde-Wright, right If you have a question, please email me at twin cities kettlebell club at gmail.com Follow us on instagram and facebook at twin cities kettlebell club on twitter at tckb club Online at twin cities kettlebell club.com And please help us grow our reach and give us a review on apple podcasts spotify stitcher or wherever you get your podcasts until next time